On April 25-26, we had a fun weekend in Tyler. We drove in on Friday and spent the night at the Marriot Residence Inn. We swam with the boys and went to our favorite Tyler restaurant, Mercado's. Saturday, we woke up early and met G, Sam's birthmother, at a cute little restaurant called The Diner. This was our 2nd time to see her with Sam since he was born. We met with her for the 1st time (besides placement) when Sam was three. We had a really good time with her and feel so blessed that we can have this kind of relationship with her. (At some point, I want to get into our feelings about open adoption, but more on that later). For now, I can say that our openness in our relationship with her has been really good. G had her best friend and her daughter with her. Her daughter is 2 and so cute. She and Sam both have G's eyes and she looks alot like Sam did at age 2. But, funny as this is, she also looks a little like Jude and they are not related at all!
After breakfast we decided to finish our visit at the park since Jude and little G were getting very wiggly and cranky in their high chairs. The park was good although Sam ran off to play (which is normal for him at a park), but didn't allow much time for G to talk with him, something I know she wanted to do. Thankfully she and I had some good time talking, and I am thankful for these opportunities to get to know her better.
After the kids played, we took some pictures and then G had gifts for Sam and Jude. She is so generous and always has such fun and unique gifts for Sam. She is also very thoughtful and brought gifts for Jude too.
After our time with G, we went to a picnic for adoptive families that our agency hosts every spring. This is actually the first time we’ve ever been able to go due to always being busy on the weekend they have it. We were very excited to get to attend. We sat and ate lunch with a really neat family who has older kids. They adopted their 2 boys as babies, but now the boys are 11 and 12. They also adopted two girls from Mexico when the girls were 12 and 14. So they have 4 kids, ages 18, 16, 12, and 11. It was great to talk with them, to hear about their adoptions, and to learn from them.
One of the other things I liked about the picnic was that Sam and Jude were not in the minority for once. Over half the kids there were some shade of brown, and it was encouraging to see that. I’m not sure if Sam noticed, but we did and it was an encouragement to us to be around, not only adoptive families, but also families with all different colors. I don’t think I realized how I’ve gotten so used to our family being different-looking in my normal life. I mean that in a good way. I know that sometimes our family draws attention because we look different from each other. I know people look at us when we’re out and that some of them are curious. When I am with people that we know, most of the time I am just living my life oblivious to it and forget that we don’t look like most of the other families we spend time with. It didn’t hit me that I am so used to looking different until I was with so many families that did look like ours. We weren’t different or standing out in any way. For the most part, we looked like everyone else. It was funny to me that it felt strange to look like everyone else! (Maybe I like being different???) I suppose that’s another blog for another day!
Second, this is not something I consciously need on a daily basis, but there was something nice and comfortable and comforting about being there with all those families who understand adoption in the same way we do. It was nice to be with people who know all the strange terms and language of adoption; people who don’t wonder if you love your adopted child as much as they love their biological child; people who have multi-colored families. It’s not like we made any deep connections with people or had any significant conversations. It was just an overall comfort and familiarity that I didn’t expect to have with strangers. And it was nice.
After a lengthy lunch, they took all the kids and divided them into age groups for some fun activities (hay-ride, bounce house, crafts). The adults then went inside for a chance to talk about adoption issues/concerns/questions. We also had the chance to hear from the founder and director of Living Alternatives. She started the ministry over 15 years ago by inviting young women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy live in her home. The ministry has grown to include a maternity home, an after-care program for the women who choose to parent, an adoption agency, and a crisis pregnancy center. We enjoyed hearing about the ministry, and were so encouraged by these people’s heart for young women in need. The conversation did end up going off in a direction that was weird for us, but more on that later. (It has to do with semi-open vs. open adoption.) Before the meeting was even finished, Carol came and got us because Sam was crying for us. He had worn himself out playing, and I think all the new faces were getting overwhelming for him. We left shortly thereafter, completely exhausted, and had a mostly unpleasant drive home. Ross and I both felt like we were getting sick. Jude was exhausted, fell asleep immediately, but then woke up 45 minutes later, still tired, and cried for a very long time. After 3 long hours in the car, we were so happy to be home and rest.
The weekend was a blessing to us in so many ways, and each part of it was an encouragement to us. It is sort of like each small piece is important in its own way, helping to complete the full picture of adoption in our family, both in how we ourselves pursue adoption and in how we (hopefully) help others in their adoption journey.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Heart of Sam's heart, Soul of Jude's Soul
One of the most common questions that Staci and I get is this one:
“Are they brothers?”
See, people look at Sam and Jude, and they see commonalities. Dark curly hair, darker-than-normal-white-people skin tone. Facial features that look more “at home” on black folks than on white folks. Long, wiry muscles and perfectly round butts that you could use as cup holders. And of course they are both members of the Ross-and-Staci family.
Hence, “Are they brothers?”
It’s a complicated question, really, with a sort of complicated answer.
Yes. They’re brothers. Because they are both my sons. They are both Staci’s little boys, whose birth certificates now declare them, legally, brothers.
But they don’t have the same birth-parents. Sam has two birth-parents, and Jude has two other birth-parents.
Listen, if you want to know the truth, it’s a terribly insensitive and ignorant thing to ask. Don’t worry, we’re not mad at you if you ask it. We know that you don’t know any better, just like we didn’t know any better when we first started out on this journey. It would actually be rather insensitive and ignorant of us to get really mad at you for asking. The world is a screwy place, and adoption is mysterious and new to most folks. We get that.
But I do want to make it clear that the question is problematic.
Why? Because adoption is perfect and legitimate and beautiful. It isn’t flawed or half-baked or inadequate. It isn’t consolation-prize or “almost as good as” or last-resort.
Hear this. Hear this whether you ever adopt or not. We are a real family. Staci and I are real parents. We’re not baby-sitting someone else’s kids.
Sam and Jude are my sons. I am their “real” father. They are Staci’s sons. She is their “real” mother. They are as much our sons as any little boys have ever been anyone’s sons. Again, I am absolutely their father and Staci is, in every way, their mother. We are as much their parents as anyone has ever been anyone’s parent. Art and Lylabeth and Nicky and Vickie are as much their grandparents as any child has ever been the grandchild of any spoiling-them-rotten-with-love grandparent. Those facts are not merely a legal reality; they are a spiritual and fully realized fact. Sure, some other very precious and special people had sex – supplying the necessary sperm and egg – to make these boys. Those same people did a selfless and wonderful thing when they said, “we relinquish our rights as their parents, and we place them in Ross and Staci’s family for the rest of their days.” But that single and fully legal act made them, ultimately and absolutely, members of the King family.
And now, both members of that family, they are brothers. And I’m not just talking about “brothers in Christ.” That’s also another fully legitimate reality that we could work thru if you like. But that’s probably another blog, with another purpose. I’m not trying to educate anyone about theological realities right now. I’m talking about in-the-physical-world stuff here, and I’m trying to help you understand something that can be a little difficult to process (as superior and condescending at that may sound, I figure if you’re here then you’re okay with assuming a bit of a learning posture).
So, if you ever see two little light brown kids running around, knocking people out with cuteness and brilliance, and you honestly don’t know who those two light brown kids belong to (if they belong in the same family), the question is absolutely appropriate as is. However, if you’d like to know if they come from the same birth-family, simply ask us any of these questions:
“Did you adopt them as siblings?”
“Do they have the same birth-parents?”
“Do they come from the same birth-family?”
“Are they related by blood?”
"Are they biological siblings?"
“Are they brothers?”
See, people look at Sam and Jude, and they see commonalities. Dark curly hair, darker-than-normal-white-people skin tone. Facial features that look more “at home” on black folks than on white folks. Long, wiry muscles and perfectly round butts that you could use as cup holders. And of course they are both members of the Ross-and-Staci family.
Hence, “Are they brothers?”
It’s a complicated question, really, with a sort of complicated answer.
Yes. They’re brothers. Because they are both my sons. They are both Staci’s little boys, whose birth certificates now declare them, legally, brothers.
But they don’t have the same birth-parents. Sam has two birth-parents, and Jude has two other birth-parents.
Listen, if you want to know the truth, it’s a terribly insensitive and ignorant thing to ask. Don’t worry, we’re not mad at you if you ask it. We know that you don’t know any better, just like we didn’t know any better when we first started out on this journey. It would actually be rather insensitive and ignorant of us to get really mad at you for asking. The world is a screwy place, and adoption is mysterious and new to most folks. We get that.
But I do want to make it clear that the question is problematic.
Why? Because adoption is perfect and legitimate and beautiful. It isn’t flawed or half-baked or inadequate. It isn’t consolation-prize or “almost as good as” or last-resort.
Hear this. Hear this whether you ever adopt or not. We are a real family. Staci and I are real parents. We’re not baby-sitting someone else’s kids.
Sam and Jude are my sons. I am their “real” father. They are Staci’s sons. She is their “real” mother. They are as much our sons as any little boys have ever been anyone’s sons. Again, I am absolutely their father and Staci is, in every way, their mother. We are as much their parents as anyone has ever been anyone’s parent. Art and Lylabeth and Nicky and Vickie are as much their grandparents as any child has ever been the grandchild of any spoiling-them-rotten-with-love grandparent. Those facts are not merely a legal reality; they are a spiritual and fully realized fact. Sure, some other very precious and special people had sex – supplying the necessary sperm and egg – to make these boys. Those same people did a selfless and wonderful thing when they said, “we relinquish our rights as their parents, and we place them in Ross and Staci’s family for the rest of their days.” But that single and fully legal act made them, ultimately and absolutely, members of the King family.
And now, both members of that family, they are brothers. And I’m not just talking about “brothers in Christ.” That’s also another fully legitimate reality that we could work thru if you like. But that’s probably another blog, with another purpose. I’m not trying to educate anyone about theological realities right now. I’m talking about in-the-physical-world stuff here, and I’m trying to help you understand something that can be a little difficult to process (as superior and condescending at that may sound, I figure if you’re here then you’re okay with assuming a bit of a learning posture).
So, if you ever see two little light brown kids running around, knocking people out with cuteness and brilliance, and you honestly don’t know who those two light brown kids belong to (if they belong in the same family), the question is absolutely appropriate as is. However, if you’d like to know if they come from the same birth-family, simply ask us any of these questions:
“Did you adopt them as siblings?”
“Do they have the same birth-parents?”
“Do they come from the same birth-family?”
“Are they related by blood?”
"Are they biological siblings?"
Sorry if that sounds like semantic game-playing. Again, we won’t be offended if you ask the question the wrong way. We aren’t the vocabulary police, waiting to hand out tickets with merciless, legalistic intensity . We’ve all met those kinds of people, and nobody likes them.
But remember, the older our children get, the more they will be listening. Sam knows (and Jude will know as soon as his communication skills develop a bit more) that he is adopted. You won’t blow the surprise by asking that question. But you may inadvertently invite them to feel like something less than what they are. They are brothers. They are our sons. They were, from the moment the Lord dreamed them up, chosen to belong to Staci and me, and to each other, and to any other children that the Lord has for us. And isn’t that wonderful news? The pastor and writer in me wants to turn this into a chance to talk about our adoption – all of us crazy Jesus-followers – into God’s eternal family; how we’re now, because of Christ, as much God’s kids as any Jewish person ever was. I mean, the analogy is a no-brainer.
But again, that’s another blog.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Our Precious Miracles
Here is the story of our adoption journey up to now. We are so blessed to have 2 precious boys through adoption. The journey has been amazing and we have learned so much about God and ourselves through it. This story is long so be prepared!
Staci
When Sam was almost 2 years old, we decided to pursue another adoption. It was hard to know the timing of when to turn in the book and paperwork. If I was basing it on my experience, then I was expecting a baby 3 months later. But I also knew that things could take longer. So things finally came together and we felt ready for another child in September, 2005. I turned everything in and we began to wait. It turns out that God had a very different experience in mind for us the second time around. Rather than getting a call 3 months later, we received the call 1 year later. And during that year, we had 2 “almost-adoptions” that did not happen. It was a very hard year. I was very happy being a mom to Sam and we were still busy with our ministry and church, but I felt ready for Sam’s little brother or sister. It was very difficult to wait this long and not have any idea when God would bring us another child.
In November of that year, just 2 months after we turned in our paperwork, LA called and said that had a birthmother who was thinking about placing her child for adoption, but it was a very unsure situation. We had to pray and ask God if we were supposed to meet her. Up until this situation, I would have never imagined that an opportunity to meet a birthmother would arise that we would have to decline. It had just never occurred to me that God would call us to do something that difficult. It seemed to me that if God opened the door that far, then we must be meant to walk all the way through. This was not the case. Although we were ready for another baby, we came to the decision that this was not the child God has for us. I can’t express how difficult this decision was. I was so fearful that we would hurt the birthmother or miss God’s best for our family or mess things up somehow.
Thankfully, God is bigger than our fears and he led us through much prayer to see that we needed to continue waiting. After saying no, I was very tested in my faith. I felt confused many days and wondered if we had done the wrong thing. Looking back, it’s easy to see that God led us the whole time, but it was hard to see that in the middle of it.
We later found out that this birthmother was able to place her baby in the perfect family (who was actually her first and original choice!).
We then waited 9 more months before receiving another call. LA called and told us that another agency in DFW needed a family for a birthmother and they gave us the option of pursuing this adoption outside of our comfort zone of LA. We felt like we needed to at least pursue every option God put in our path so we met with a birthmother in July, 2006. This woman, Misty, was having her first child, and felt pretty sure that she wanted to place the baby for adoption with our family. There were a lot variables and obstacles involved in this potential adoption. It was not an easy process for anyone involved. Primarily, there was the obstacle of the birthfather who happened to be serving overseas. Due to his remote location, there were quite a few problems we encountered in the paperwork. He had given his verbal consent to the adoption but without the relinquishment of parental rights in hand, there was no way we could move forward. Misty felt that if she had the baby before we received the paperwork from the birthfather, then she would parent her child rather than place him in a temporary foster home. She did in fact have the baby before the paperwork had been received and she did take her little boy home with the plan to continue with the adoption once everything was in order.
However, after a week or two with her baby boy at home, she came to the decision to parent her child. Those 2 weeks of waiting were very difficult for us. Our lives and emotions were basically put on hold until she was able to make this decision. She was in the middle of making a life-changing decision and was growing closer and closer to her child every day. In the end, she felt complete peace and joy with her decision to parent. By that point, we were emotionally exhausted and not too surprised at the outcome. But we were very relieved to have an answer, even though we were deeply disappointed. We knew that if God had closed the door on that adoption, then he must have another plan for us and that he knew exactly who was supposed to be our child.
After 2 months of grieving over this failed adoption, God opened the door again. LA called and told us that our book had been chosen by a birth-mother. Could we come in and meet the birth-grandmother ASAP? Of course we could! After the year we’d had, we were ready and excited and went into this adoption with a sense of anticipation and peace. This birthmother, A, was pregnant with her second child, a boy.
One of the miracles I noticed during this time was how similar things were to our adoption of Sam. Both of these children were bi-racial, with a white birthmother and black birthfather. Both birthmothers were already single moms of daughters and were aware of the realities of parenting. Both of them knew that they wanted their sons to have a Christian father and mother and were sure and ready to place their child for adoption with us.
We spent a wonderful morning visiting with T, A’s mother. A – who was at this point 8 ½ months pregnant was not sure if she was ready to meet us. We were disappointed to not get to meet with her and begin a relationship with her. Her mother was wonderful. She shared all about A and A’s daughter. She told us that A had struggled and how she knew that she could not give this child the kind of life she wanted him to have.
At first we were under the impression that A had not picked our family, but that Teri had. During our conversation with T, we learned that A had in fact chosen our family, but she just couldn’t handle meeting with us at that point. She was still in a relationship with the birthfather and neither of them felt like they could parent this child in the way he needed. Both A and B (the birthfather) were supportive of the adoption and gave their consent and blessing to pursue it further. T shared about her struggle with this being her 2nd grandchild, but her 1st grandson. She shared that it was painful to go through with the adoption, but she knew it was the right choice. One of the miracles that took place during this time was the influence that Sam had in this process. One of the main reasons that A, B, and T chose our family was Sam. They were so excited about their little boy growing up in a family with an older brother. That was very special to me because I had hoped for another boy after Sam so that he could have a little buddy. God answered that hope of mine! We left that meeting with peace and knew that all we could do was wait for the baby to be born, hopefully on his due date…October 25, 2006.
Some other miracles that God worked in this adoption – and our first adoption – had to do with timing. Because you never know when you will receive a phone call while you are “in waiting”, it can be difficult to know how much to actually put your life on hold, versus how much to keep going on with life as usual. To me this is one of the hardest things about pursuing adoption. There is a reason for 9-month pregnancies and it’s not just for the baby to grow. It’s for the mom and dad to prepare and get ready for this huge life change. But with adoption, it usually doesn’t happen that way.
At times, it has felt like this difficulty was even magnified in our life because of Ross’ job and the travel plans we have to make so far in advance. During this year that we waited for our second child, initially we put a lot of our plans on hold thinking that it might be similar to our 1st adoption, which happened really fast. But after a while, we realized that we really didn’t know when things would happen so we began to make plans.
Two of those plans involved family vacations. When we began to pursue the adoption opportunity in July, we were very concerned because we had an important 10-day family vacation planned for the beginning part of August. My parents wanted to take my whole family (married couples, kids, and all) to Colorado.
Trusting God with how to handle it was difficult. We weren’t sure if we should cancel the vacation or leave as planned because we had no way of knowing what would happen with this adoption. It was an area that we really had to give to the Lord. In the end, we were released from the waiting and “not knowing” by the Lord shutting the door on that adoption.
We left the next day for Colorado and spent 10 days healing and resting from the stress of the previous month. It worked out perfectly in His timing, but going through it was difficult.
Well, not even 2 months later, we had another trip planned to Florida. The first few days were an anniversary trip for Ross and I and then my parents were meeting us there with Sam to spend a few days at Disney World. When we got the call about A, we realized that she was due to have the baby on the day we would be flying home. Again, we were faced with a tough decision. Do we cancel a vacation that we have invested a lot of money in? Do we go anyway and risk that she might have the baby early? Can we handle coming in from a vacation and going to pick up our new baby the next day? These were tough decisions. It’s not as if we were prioritizing a vacation over a child, it’s just that we wanted to do the right thing. We sought counsel and prayer and in the end decided that this vacation was just what we needed before getting a new baby.
Things worked out perfectly! A had her baby on her due date. We arrived home that same day and settled in before going to pick him up 2 days later.
What’s so interesting and miraculous about the failed adoption in August was that I had gotten our house completely ready for a new baby. That’s one reason it was so hard when it all fell through. Even though we felt peace and knew that God had another child for us, it was still very hard to look at the baby stuff every day and wonder how long it would be. Later I could see God’s provision and goodness even in those little things. Had I not been completely ready and set for another baby, there’s no way I could have gone to Florida the week before adopting our new baby. But as it was, I was ready. The room was ready, the baby clothes were washed, the car seat was in the car, the diapers were bought. Because I had prepared in July, I was able to go on our vacation stress free and know that I could handle getting our new baby 2 days after getting home. God cares about those things that may seem small. He sees to the littlest details and I have seen that over and over through our adoption journeys.
Adoption Day! A had her baby on October 25, 2006. We arranged to pick him up at the hospital on Friday, October 27. So on Friday, we drove to Kilgore, TX. This was a new experience for us…adopting a 2-day old baby straight from the hospital. (Sam was 6 weeks old at placement.) Placement day brings a mixture of so many feelings. We were nervous. Even though this was our 2nd time at this, it was new in many ways. It was at the hospital. We had not yet met A and still weren’t sure if we would. We didn’t know what to expect in terms of her and B and T’s feelings. Were they still sure about this? Were they going to change their minds? And of course, what would our new baby be like?
When we arrived, Carol and Doris met us and took us to a room where the placement would take place. At that point, A was in the process of making her decision to sign the papers which remove her parental rights. This was a heart-wrenching decision for her. Most birthmothers have to make this choice twice. They make the choice before the baby is born, when they choose a family. But then they have to make the choice again once the baby is born. It’s much harder that second time. They have been through hours of labor and here is this tiny baby that they are saying good-bye to. The birthmother’s body still bears the scars of childbirth, but there is no child to help ease the pain. There’s no immediate reward. Just pain and empty arms. I have cried at both of our placements and for many months afterward thinking about and praying for G and A. How hard it must be to do what they did! How difficult to not have a baby to feed or hold after 9 months of labor!
So sitting there in that hospital knowing that A was just a few doors down, making one of the hardest decisions of her life, was incredibly emotional and heavy for us. It’s so weird to hope that she will go through with the decision, knowing the pain it will cause for her and her family; but also knowing that if she doesn’t go through with it, there will be pain and heartbreak for us and our family. Adoption is very messy. It is beautiful and full of God, but it’s not simple or tidy. There is lots of stuff to sort through and many miracles must take place every time adoption happens. It’s such a beautiful picture of the way God has adopted us. Our adoption as sons and daughters in God’s family is messy, too. It involves repentance and brokenness and usually some tears. But in the end, this way that God has provided through Jesus, this way back to him after things were messed up by sin, brings a perfect reconciliation of broken things in our lives and our relationship with him. Just as adoption is a perfect reconciliation of physical brokenness: a husband and wife who are broken because they can't conceive, and a child born without a whole family. It all comes together to create a new, whole, un-broken family. Two broken things made whole, for the glory of God. God adopting us – children who sinned and messed up his perfect original plan – is the ultimate reconciliation of what was broken in the Garden of Eden. It all comes full circle in some crazy, mysterious way.
After a while, Carol came back from meeting with A and was holding our new baby boy!! We were overjoyed. A had made the decision that was best for her baby and we were adding a son to our family. Praise God! We held him and looked at him and took lots of pictures. Sam was mesmerized by him and was so sweet and tender with his new baby brother. It was a wonderful, joyous time.
After being with the baby for about an hour, it became clear to us that A was still not ready to meet with us. We were disappointed because we really wanted the chance to know her. To hug her and thank her and love her. We still hope and pray for that chance. But A’s mom, T, did come to meet with us and say good-bye to her grandson. Her husband was with her, who we met for the 1st time. They both cried over Kamen, the name A gave him. Then we all stood in a circle: me, Ross, Sam, Carol, Doris, T and her friend, R, and our new little boy. We stood and prayed. We prayed for this precious new life and our family. We prayed for A and B and T and R and all the lives that this little boy had already touched and would touch in the future. God moved among us and after we prayed we took more pictures and said our final good-byes to them.
We started our 3 hour drive home and things were much more relaxed than that first time around with Sam. We even stopped at Wal-Mart to get him some sleepers as I had forgotten to bring him some clothes, and we stopped and had dinner at a restaurant with our 2-day old baby. I think he was the youngest person in the world to go out to eat! We decided to name him Jude Sullivan. Jude meaning Praise &Thanks and Sullivan after Ross’ middle name.
At the time that I am writing this, Sam is 4 years old and Jude will turn 1 in about 2 weeks. It goes by so fast, as I know most parents seem to feel. It feels like I blinked and we were bringing Sam home and I blinked again and I have 2 little boys. We are so happy that God has blessed us by building our family through adoption. We know that not everyone gets to experience the blessing of adoption and see the fruit that it bears in all the lives it touches. We know that some have to arrive at adoption after a painful process of infertility and that some come to it with open arms. In the end though, I think that those who are touched by adoption will agree that it is a miraculous and blessed thing to be a part of, one that changes you and opens your eyes; one that leaves you forever imprinted with the image of God and the whisper of his love in your life.
Our God is the God of miracles, and I am so blessed to be adopted into His eternal, victorious family!
Staci
The King’s Adoption Miracles
Ross, Staci, Sam, and Jude King
Miraculous things happen every day. Sometimes they are big and noticed by many. Sometimes they are just as big but in a quieter way. Adoptions are both, I believe. Our journey to adoption and through adoption is long and full of every emotion possible. I guess it’s best to start at the beginning.
Ross and I have been married for 9 years. I think that God put the idea of adoption in our hearts early in our life. We can’t exactly remember when, but for both of us it seems like we have always been aware of and in pursuit of adoption. So when God brought us together, adoption was naturally something we talked about, hoped for, and planned to do someday.
After 1 year of marriage, the Lord led us to give him complete control of my womb. In other words, use absolutely no form of birth control. We weren’t necessarily ready to be parents, but we did it as an act of faith. During this time, we experienced so much peace and freedom in trusting God with the timing of our family.
After about a year of no birth control, I thought one day, “weird… I figured I would be pregnant by now.” At this point, we had been married 2 years and traveled quite extensively each month for my husband’s ministry. So I wasn’t “trying” to get pregnant, but I also knew that most people would have gotten pregnant by then.
The fact that I wasn’t pregnant didn’t really alarm me because, early on, I had learned to trust Him completely with my womb. But after 2 years, then 3, I realized… “If God wanted me to be pregnant by now, I would be.” Over the course of those years, it became clear to me why we weren’t getting pregnant. God was calling us to adopt. This realization is hard to explain, but we know that God sometimes causes things to happen (or not to happen) because of what He is trying to do in us and through us. We did not see this as a disappointment because we had had a desire to adopt for so long. As crazy as this might sound, I even saw our “not getting pregnant” as God’s provision for us so that we would obey Him and adopt. I knew the adoption process would be time-consuming and expensive, and I could see how it would be easy to abandon, especially if we got pregnant and busy with children.
We then began to pray about and research adoption in all its many forms. We weren’t sure where to start or which direction this would take us. The options seemed endless and there were days when I felt overwhelmed by all the paths and agencies and options available. We finally decided to pursue a domestic adoption of a non-white child. During our research, we learned that this type of adoption was not very publicized, but in great need of willing families. We had always been comfortable and called to have a family that looked however God wanted it to, so we were excited to pursue what was, in the world of adoption, called a “domestic, trans-racial adoption.” At many agencies, non-white children are considered “hard-to-place.”
I guess one of the early miracles was that we found Loving Alternative Adoptions (LA). It is a small agency and doesn’t exactly come up in the TOP 10 when you google “adoption.” But some dear friends of ours knew a family that had adopted from LA and loved the agency. From their recommendation, we added them to the short list of agencies we wanted to investigate.
Because of Ross’ traveling and the fact that LA only holds one orientation a year, we weren’t surprised to discover that he was booked the weekend of the orientation. But thankfully – and, I think, miraculously – Carol allowed me to attend alone. I video-taped the whole 2-day orientation for Ross. This was a hard weekend to attend alone, and I felt a little overwhelmed and sad that Ross wasn’t there to experience it with me. But what overshadowed those feelings was the incredible sense of peace and connection I felt with the people who run LA. I was so touched and blown away by everything I saw and heard that weekend. The testimonies and sense of calling I saw from the agency staff really set them apart from other agencies we had visited. I was blessed to learn that the staff had been called to serve the Lord in whatever missional capacity He gave them and that LA was that mission field for all of them. I heard testimony from a precious birthmother and left there with a deeper understanding of the sacrifice and deep love of a birthmother. Although I was there alone, I came away from that weekend certain that God was going to give us our child through LA.
We then began to work on all our paperwork, home-study, and scrapbook. We turned everything in at the very beginning of September, 2003, “pregnant” in our hearts and unsure of what to expect. I was nervous to turn everything in for many reasons. But one of those reasons was that we had extensive traveling during the month of September including a trip to St. Lucia for our 5 year anniversary. I was so afraid they would call while we were gone, yet I felt certain that we were supposed to turn everything in before we left.
On October 20, we received a call from the agency. If you are doing the math, you’ll see that it was only 6 weeks after we turned in our paperwork. They told us that a birthmother had given birth to a boy on September 25 and was pursuing adoption. To protect her privacy, we'll call her G. She contacted LA shortly after her baby was born to talk about an adoptino plan. The agency placed the baby, named Isaac, into one of their private foster homes. (we later named him Samuel Isaac, or Sam for short). G visited the agency to look at the profiles and that is where the miracle took place. Carol, our social worker, gave her some books to look at and G left with them. Our book was not in that group of books she gave G. Carol was actually saving our book for another birthmother that she thought would like our family. After G left, Carol felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling her to give our book to G. She obeyed and called her back and G chose our family almost immediately. She was incredibly drawn to us. The miracle of this cannot be understated. To place a child for adoption is a selfless, painful process. None of these women do this lightly. To choose a family to love and raise your child must be extremely difficult. Although I am not a birthmother who has placed her child for adoption, I can imagine the difficulty from my experience in choosing the family who would raise our children should something happen to Ross and I. And even in doing this, we are choosing from families we know and love and share life with. Not strangers. To choose the family who will adopt your child from a book must be so difficult. I believe it’s a miracle every time a family is chosen because the Lord must reach up out of that book and speak to the heart of the birthmother drawing her to that family. I know this miracle happens because it has happened to us twice and it has happened to countless other families. But the frequency of it doesn’t diminish the incredible power of it.
After choosing us, the agency set up a meeting between us and G. We were all very nervous. We met and had an instant connection with her. G poured out her heart to us that day, sharing why she wanted to place her baby boy for adoption and why she chose us. She admired our family and our marriage and wanted her child to be raised by a mother and father. She was a single mother at the time and her daughter was 5 years old. She shared the difficulty of being a single mom and how she knew that she could not give this baby what she wanted him to have. She desired a Christian dad and a stay-at-home mom for him, and she found that in us. It was obvious to me that day how much she loved her baby boy and how hard this was for her to do. She knew exactly what she was sacrificing and chose this for her child out of love. We were thrilled beyond words to not only be chosen and to have a baby on the way, but to be given the opportunity to join in a relationship with G and her family. We are knitted together forever in our love for this precious child and we are blessed to have her in our lives.
Another miracle that took place during all of this was the influence that music would have in this adoption. G is very musical and she especially loves to sing. A big reason she was drawn to us was this love for music. Ross is a musician, worship leader, song-writer, etc. I sing with him and music is not just our job, but a huge part of our life. She wanted her child to have music in his life from an early age and she knew that he would have that with us. To skip ahead a few years in this story, I have to say what an amazing miracle it is that Sam was placed in our family. He has an incredible gift of playing the drums. He actually got his first little drum set at 15 months. He plays the drums daily, sometimes 2 hours a day. At the risk of sounding like an overly proud parent, I’ll just say that he is very gifted with a great deal of natural talent. What a miracle that he was placed into our family where that talent could be easily discovered and nurtured so early. I mean it’s not all that common for kids to be exposed to music at the level Sam was so early-on in his life. Sam is already using this gift to glorify God and will continue to do so as he gets older.
One week after our meeting with G, the adoption took place. It was actually a miracle that everything happened so fast because at that point, the birthfather had not been located. But since Sam was growing and changing so quickly and was in a foster home, all of us were anxious to have him placed in his adopted family. The placement was very special and emotional. G spent some time with Isaac that day before we came to the agency. Once we arrived, we spent a couple of hours together, talking and sharing stories. She brought many gifts to send with us. Saying good-bye was the hardest part. G said a precious prayer over Isaac and blessed him. She also told us that she named him Isaac Daniel which means laughter and strong man of God. We were so blessed that he was given such special names at his birth, names that were so full of meaning. G assured us that she was fine with whatever we chose for his name, she just wanted us to know who he was for those first 6 weeks of life. After G left, we did all the paperwork and met with the foster family to gather his things and get last minute instructions. This being our first child, we were a bit overwhelmed and Isaac started crying toward the end. Well, he cried almost the whole way home (3 hours!) We had never been so happy to see our house. Some friend had left gifts and balloons to welcome us home.
On the way home, we decided to keep the name Isaac as his middle name. From that point on, he was Samuel Isaac. Even before we turned our paperwork in, I felt a certainty and peace that God was going to give us a son. I had prayed to God asking for a son for many years, and when he blessed us with this adoption, I knew that our baby was to be named Samuel meaning “God has heard.”
The first 6 weeks with little Samuel were difficult. I was learning how to be a mom for the 1st time without the benefit of 9 months to plan and prepare emotionally. Samuel was trying to adjust and bond with us after being with his birthmother and foster mother for 6 weeks. Both he and I cried a lot! I sang to him and we both grew to learn about trust. He learned to trust me with his needs and I learned to trust God with mine. It was a very good time of growing, but I was glad when those first 6 weeks were over and the bonding had occurred. Sam seemed to change almost overnight around Christmas time. Up until then, like I said, he was struggling. He cried a lot and seemed very fretful a lot of the time. At Christmas, he became a relaxed, happy, and secure little boy and that is who he has been ever since.
Early on in this adoption process I prayed that God would give us a flexible baby. For the first 5 years of our marriage, I traveled with Ross most of the time. We would be on the road for about 15 days a month most of the time. I wanted to continue traveling with him once we adopted a baby so I prayed that God would give us a child who could be flexible and who would enjoy being on the road in that way. God did that and more. Sam was such an attraction for people in our ministry. He was so easy to train in being flexible and in being a part of our ministry to others. He smiled a lot, loved the music, and was happy to be by my side all the time. He is a very affectionate child so he has never minded sitting in my lap for hours on planes or sitting through long worship services. He likes music so much that he is happy to watch the band rehearse and watch the whole music time. When most kids would need to get up and go, Sam was happy to sit and watch. He loves summer camp, and has always had such deep relationships with the guys in Ross’ band. Having him with us on the road for the 1st 3 years of his life was such a blessing for him, us, and others. We were able to share about the miracle of adoption and so many people were made aware of adoption in ways they hadn’t been before. Sam’s sweet spirit has always been a draw for people. He has a way of making people feel special. It is a gift that God is using to draw people to Himself, and what a blessing that it started so young. Now to be completely honest, it wasn’t always easy. There were times it was very difficult to constantly be in new places, staying in motel rooms, and having very little consistency. Sam went through some stages where it was especially difficult and at those times, I would have to travel less. But overall, God answered that prayer and blessed us with a baby who joined our family and ministry perfectly!
Ross, Staci, Sam, and Jude King
Miraculous things happen every day. Sometimes they are big and noticed by many. Sometimes they are just as big but in a quieter way. Adoptions are both, I believe. Our journey to adoption and through adoption is long and full of every emotion possible. I guess it’s best to start at the beginning.
Ross and I have been married for 9 years. I think that God put the idea of adoption in our hearts early in our life. We can’t exactly remember when, but for both of us it seems like we have always been aware of and in pursuit of adoption. So when God brought us together, adoption was naturally something we talked about, hoped for, and planned to do someday.
After 1 year of marriage, the Lord led us to give him complete control of my womb. In other words, use absolutely no form of birth control. We weren’t necessarily ready to be parents, but we did it as an act of faith. During this time, we experienced so much peace and freedom in trusting God with the timing of our family.
After about a year of no birth control, I thought one day, “weird… I figured I would be pregnant by now.” At this point, we had been married 2 years and traveled quite extensively each month for my husband’s ministry. So I wasn’t “trying” to get pregnant, but I also knew that most people would have gotten pregnant by then.
The fact that I wasn’t pregnant didn’t really alarm me because, early on, I had learned to trust Him completely with my womb. But after 2 years, then 3, I realized… “If God wanted me to be pregnant by now, I would be.” Over the course of those years, it became clear to me why we weren’t getting pregnant. God was calling us to adopt. This realization is hard to explain, but we know that God sometimes causes things to happen (or not to happen) because of what He is trying to do in us and through us. We did not see this as a disappointment because we had had a desire to adopt for so long. As crazy as this might sound, I even saw our “not getting pregnant” as God’s provision for us so that we would obey Him and adopt. I knew the adoption process would be time-consuming and expensive, and I could see how it would be easy to abandon, especially if we got pregnant and busy with children.
We then began to pray about and research adoption in all its many forms. We weren’t sure where to start or which direction this would take us. The options seemed endless and there were days when I felt overwhelmed by all the paths and agencies and options available. We finally decided to pursue a domestic adoption of a non-white child. During our research, we learned that this type of adoption was not very publicized, but in great need of willing families. We had always been comfortable and called to have a family that looked however God wanted it to, so we were excited to pursue what was, in the world of adoption, called a “domestic, trans-racial adoption.” At many agencies, non-white children are considered “hard-to-place.”
I guess one of the early miracles was that we found Loving Alternative Adoptions (LA). It is a small agency and doesn’t exactly come up in the TOP 10 when you google “adoption.” But some dear friends of ours knew a family that had adopted from LA and loved the agency. From their recommendation, we added them to the short list of agencies we wanted to investigate.
Because of Ross’ traveling and the fact that LA only holds one orientation a year, we weren’t surprised to discover that he was booked the weekend of the orientation. But thankfully – and, I think, miraculously – Carol allowed me to attend alone. I video-taped the whole 2-day orientation for Ross. This was a hard weekend to attend alone, and I felt a little overwhelmed and sad that Ross wasn’t there to experience it with me. But what overshadowed those feelings was the incredible sense of peace and connection I felt with the people who run LA. I was so touched and blown away by everything I saw and heard that weekend. The testimonies and sense of calling I saw from the agency staff really set them apart from other agencies we had visited. I was blessed to learn that the staff had been called to serve the Lord in whatever missional capacity He gave them and that LA was that mission field for all of them. I heard testimony from a precious birthmother and left there with a deeper understanding of the sacrifice and deep love of a birthmother. Although I was there alone, I came away from that weekend certain that God was going to give us our child through LA.
We then began to work on all our paperwork, home-study, and scrapbook. We turned everything in at the very beginning of September, 2003, “pregnant” in our hearts and unsure of what to expect. I was nervous to turn everything in for many reasons. But one of those reasons was that we had extensive traveling during the month of September including a trip to St. Lucia for our 5 year anniversary. I was so afraid they would call while we were gone, yet I felt certain that we were supposed to turn everything in before we left.
On October 20, we received a call from the agency. If you are doing the math, you’ll see that it was only 6 weeks after we turned in our paperwork. They told us that a birthmother had given birth to a boy on September 25 and was pursuing adoption. To protect her privacy, we'll call her G. She contacted LA shortly after her baby was born to talk about an adoptino plan. The agency placed the baby, named Isaac, into one of their private foster homes. (we later named him Samuel Isaac, or Sam for short). G visited the agency to look at the profiles and that is where the miracle took place. Carol, our social worker, gave her some books to look at and G left with them. Our book was not in that group of books she gave G. Carol was actually saving our book for another birthmother that she thought would like our family. After G left, Carol felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling her to give our book to G. She obeyed and called her back and G chose our family almost immediately. She was incredibly drawn to us. The miracle of this cannot be understated. To place a child for adoption is a selfless, painful process. None of these women do this lightly. To choose a family to love and raise your child must be extremely difficult. Although I am not a birthmother who has placed her child for adoption, I can imagine the difficulty from my experience in choosing the family who would raise our children should something happen to Ross and I. And even in doing this, we are choosing from families we know and love and share life with. Not strangers. To choose the family who will adopt your child from a book must be so difficult. I believe it’s a miracle every time a family is chosen because the Lord must reach up out of that book and speak to the heart of the birthmother drawing her to that family. I know this miracle happens because it has happened to us twice and it has happened to countless other families. But the frequency of it doesn’t diminish the incredible power of it.
After choosing us, the agency set up a meeting between us and G. We were all very nervous. We met and had an instant connection with her. G poured out her heart to us that day, sharing why she wanted to place her baby boy for adoption and why she chose us. She admired our family and our marriage and wanted her child to be raised by a mother and father. She was a single mother at the time and her daughter was 5 years old. She shared the difficulty of being a single mom and how she knew that she could not give this baby what she wanted him to have. She desired a Christian dad and a stay-at-home mom for him, and she found that in us. It was obvious to me that day how much she loved her baby boy and how hard this was for her to do. She knew exactly what she was sacrificing and chose this for her child out of love. We were thrilled beyond words to not only be chosen and to have a baby on the way, but to be given the opportunity to join in a relationship with G and her family. We are knitted together forever in our love for this precious child and we are blessed to have her in our lives.
Another miracle that took place during all of this was the influence that music would have in this adoption. G is very musical and she especially loves to sing. A big reason she was drawn to us was this love for music. Ross is a musician, worship leader, song-writer, etc. I sing with him and music is not just our job, but a huge part of our life. She wanted her child to have music in his life from an early age and she knew that he would have that with us. To skip ahead a few years in this story, I have to say what an amazing miracle it is that Sam was placed in our family. He has an incredible gift of playing the drums. He actually got his first little drum set at 15 months. He plays the drums daily, sometimes 2 hours a day. At the risk of sounding like an overly proud parent, I’ll just say that he is very gifted with a great deal of natural talent. What a miracle that he was placed into our family where that talent could be easily discovered and nurtured so early. I mean it’s not all that common for kids to be exposed to music at the level Sam was so early-on in his life. Sam is already using this gift to glorify God and will continue to do so as he gets older.
One week after our meeting with G, the adoption took place. It was actually a miracle that everything happened so fast because at that point, the birthfather had not been located. But since Sam was growing and changing so quickly and was in a foster home, all of us were anxious to have him placed in his adopted family. The placement was very special and emotional. G spent some time with Isaac that day before we came to the agency. Once we arrived, we spent a couple of hours together, talking and sharing stories. She brought many gifts to send with us. Saying good-bye was the hardest part. G said a precious prayer over Isaac and blessed him. She also told us that she named him Isaac Daniel which means laughter and strong man of God. We were so blessed that he was given such special names at his birth, names that were so full of meaning. G assured us that she was fine with whatever we chose for his name, she just wanted us to know who he was for those first 6 weeks of life. After G left, we did all the paperwork and met with the foster family to gather his things and get last minute instructions. This being our first child, we were a bit overwhelmed and Isaac started crying toward the end. Well, he cried almost the whole way home (3 hours!) We had never been so happy to see our house. Some friend had left gifts and balloons to welcome us home.
On the way home, we decided to keep the name Isaac as his middle name. From that point on, he was Samuel Isaac. Even before we turned our paperwork in, I felt a certainty and peace that God was going to give us a son. I had prayed to God asking for a son for many years, and when he blessed us with this adoption, I knew that our baby was to be named Samuel meaning “God has heard.”
The first 6 weeks with little Samuel were difficult. I was learning how to be a mom for the 1st time without the benefit of 9 months to plan and prepare emotionally. Samuel was trying to adjust and bond with us after being with his birthmother and foster mother for 6 weeks. Both he and I cried a lot! I sang to him and we both grew to learn about trust. He learned to trust me with his needs and I learned to trust God with mine. It was a very good time of growing, but I was glad when those first 6 weeks were over and the bonding had occurred. Sam seemed to change almost overnight around Christmas time. Up until then, like I said, he was struggling. He cried a lot and seemed very fretful a lot of the time. At Christmas, he became a relaxed, happy, and secure little boy and that is who he has been ever since.
Early on in this adoption process I prayed that God would give us a flexible baby. For the first 5 years of our marriage, I traveled with Ross most of the time. We would be on the road for about 15 days a month most of the time. I wanted to continue traveling with him once we adopted a baby so I prayed that God would give us a child who could be flexible and who would enjoy being on the road in that way. God did that and more. Sam was such an attraction for people in our ministry. He was so easy to train in being flexible and in being a part of our ministry to others. He smiled a lot, loved the music, and was happy to be by my side all the time. He is a very affectionate child so he has never minded sitting in my lap for hours on planes or sitting through long worship services. He likes music so much that he is happy to watch the band rehearse and watch the whole music time. When most kids would need to get up and go, Sam was happy to sit and watch. He loves summer camp, and has always had such deep relationships with the guys in Ross’ band. Having him with us on the road for the 1st 3 years of his life was such a blessing for him, us, and others. We were able to share about the miracle of adoption and so many people were made aware of adoption in ways they hadn’t been before. Sam’s sweet spirit has always been a draw for people. He has a way of making people feel special. It is a gift that God is using to draw people to Himself, and what a blessing that it started so young. Now to be completely honest, it wasn’t always easy. There were times it was very difficult to constantly be in new places, staying in motel rooms, and having very little consistency. Sam went through some stages where it was especially difficult and at those times, I would have to travel less. But overall, God answered that prayer and blessed us with a baby who joined our family and ministry perfectly!
part 2.
When Sam was almost 2 years old, we decided to pursue another adoption. It was hard to know the timing of when to turn in the book and paperwork. If I was basing it on my experience, then I was expecting a baby 3 months later. But I also knew that things could take longer. So things finally came together and we felt ready for another child in September, 2005. I turned everything in and we began to wait. It turns out that God had a very different experience in mind for us the second time around. Rather than getting a call 3 months later, we received the call 1 year later. And during that year, we had 2 “almost-adoptions” that did not happen. It was a very hard year. I was very happy being a mom to Sam and we were still busy with our ministry and church, but I felt ready for Sam’s little brother or sister. It was very difficult to wait this long and not have any idea when God would bring us another child.
In November of that year, just 2 months after we turned in our paperwork, LA called and said that had a birthmother who was thinking about placing her child for adoption, but it was a very unsure situation. We had to pray and ask God if we were supposed to meet her. Up until this situation, I would have never imagined that an opportunity to meet a birthmother would arise that we would have to decline. It had just never occurred to me that God would call us to do something that difficult. It seemed to me that if God opened the door that far, then we must be meant to walk all the way through. This was not the case. Although we were ready for another baby, we came to the decision that this was not the child God has for us. I can’t express how difficult this decision was. I was so fearful that we would hurt the birthmother or miss God’s best for our family or mess things up somehow.
Thankfully, God is bigger than our fears and he led us through much prayer to see that we needed to continue waiting. After saying no, I was very tested in my faith. I felt confused many days and wondered if we had done the wrong thing. Looking back, it’s easy to see that God led us the whole time, but it was hard to see that in the middle of it.
We later found out that this birthmother was able to place her baby in the perfect family (who was actually her first and original choice!).
We then waited 9 more months before receiving another call. LA called and told us that another agency in DFW needed a family for a birthmother and they gave us the option of pursuing this adoption outside of our comfort zone of LA. We felt like we needed to at least pursue every option God put in our path so we met with a birthmother in July, 2006. This woman, Misty, was having her first child, and felt pretty sure that she wanted to place the baby for adoption with our family. There were a lot variables and obstacles involved in this potential adoption. It was not an easy process for anyone involved. Primarily, there was the obstacle of the birthfather who happened to be serving overseas. Due to his remote location, there were quite a few problems we encountered in the paperwork. He had given his verbal consent to the adoption but without the relinquishment of parental rights in hand, there was no way we could move forward. Misty felt that if she had the baby before we received the paperwork from the birthfather, then she would parent her child rather than place him in a temporary foster home. She did in fact have the baby before the paperwork had been received and she did take her little boy home with the plan to continue with the adoption once everything was in order.
However, after a week or two with her baby boy at home, she came to the decision to parent her child. Those 2 weeks of waiting were very difficult for us. Our lives and emotions were basically put on hold until she was able to make this decision. She was in the middle of making a life-changing decision and was growing closer and closer to her child every day. In the end, she felt complete peace and joy with her decision to parent. By that point, we were emotionally exhausted and not too surprised at the outcome. But we were very relieved to have an answer, even though we were deeply disappointed. We knew that if God had closed the door on that adoption, then he must have another plan for us and that he knew exactly who was supposed to be our child.
After 2 months of grieving over this failed adoption, God opened the door again. LA called and told us that our book had been chosen by a birth-mother. Could we come in and meet the birth-grandmother ASAP? Of course we could! After the year we’d had, we were ready and excited and went into this adoption with a sense of anticipation and peace. This birthmother, A, was pregnant with her second child, a boy.
One of the miracles I noticed during this time was how similar things were to our adoption of Sam. Both of these children were bi-racial, with a white birthmother and black birthfather. Both birthmothers were already single moms of daughters and were aware of the realities of parenting. Both of them knew that they wanted their sons to have a Christian father and mother and were sure and ready to place their child for adoption with us.
We spent a wonderful morning visiting with T, A’s mother. A – who was at this point 8 ½ months pregnant was not sure if she was ready to meet us. We were disappointed to not get to meet with her and begin a relationship with her. Her mother was wonderful. She shared all about A and A’s daughter. She told us that A had struggled and how she knew that she could not give this child the kind of life she wanted him to have.
At first we were under the impression that A had not picked our family, but that Teri had. During our conversation with T, we learned that A had in fact chosen our family, but she just couldn’t handle meeting with us at that point. She was still in a relationship with the birthfather and neither of them felt like they could parent this child in the way he needed. Both A and B (the birthfather) were supportive of the adoption and gave their consent and blessing to pursue it further. T shared about her struggle with this being her 2nd grandchild, but her 1st grandson. She shared that it was painful to go through with the adoption, but she knew it was the right choice. One of the miracles that took place during this time was the influence that Sam had in this process. One of the main reasons that A, B, and T chose our family was Sam. They were so excited about their little boy growing up in a family with an older brother. That was very special to me because I had hoped for another boy after Sam so that he could have a little buddy. God answered that hope of mine! We left that meeting with peace and knew that all we could do was wait for the baby to be born, hopefully on his due date…October 25, 2006.
Some other miracles that God worked in this adoption – and our first adoption – had to do with timing. Because you never know when you will receive a phone call while you are “in waiting”, it can be difficult to know how much to actually put your life on hold, versus how much to keep going on with life as usual. To me this is one of the hardest things about pursuing adoption. There is a reason for 9-month pregnancies and it’s not just for the baby to grow. It’s for the mom and dad to prepare and get ready for this huge life change. But with adoption, it usually doesn’t happen that way.
At times, it has felt like this difficulty was even magnified in our life because of Ross’ job and the travel plans we have to make so far in advance. During this year that we waited for our second child, initially we put a lot of our plans on hold thinking that it might be similar to our 1st adoption, which happened really fast. But after a while, we realized that we really didn’t know when things would happen so we began to make plans.
Two of those plans involved family vacations. When we began to pursue the adoption opportunity in July, we were very concerned because we had an important 10-day family vacation planned for the beginning part of August. My parents wanted to take my whole family (married couples, kids, and all) to Colorado.
Trusting God with how to handle it was difficult. We weren’t sure if we should cancel the vacation or leave as planned because we had no way of knowing what would happen with this adoption. It was an area that we really had to give to the Lord. In the end, we were released from the waiting and “not knowing” by the Lord shutting the door on that adoption.
We left the next day for Colorado and spent 10 days healing and resting from the stress of the previous month. It worked out perfectly in His timing, but going through it was difficult.
Well, not even 2 months later, we had another trip planned to Florida. The first few days were an anniversary trip for Ross and I and then my parents were meeting us there with Sam to spend a few days at Disney World. When we got the call about A, we realized that she was due to have the baby on the day we would be flying home. Again, we were faced with a tough decision. Do we cancel a vacation that we have invested a lot of money in? Do we go anyway and risk that she might have the baby early? Can we handle coming in from a vacation and going to pick up our new baby the next day? These were tough decisions. It’s not as if we were prioritizing a vacation over a child, it’s just that we wanted to do the right thing. We sought counsel and prayer and in the end decided that this vacation was just what we needed before getting a new baby.
Things worked out perfectly! A had her baby on her due date. We arrived home that same day and settled in before going to pick him up 2 days later.
What’s so interesting and miraculous about the failed adoption in August was that I had gotten our house completely ready for a new baby. That’s one reason it was so hard when it all fell through. Even though we felt peace and knew that God had another child for us, it was still very hard to look at the baby stuff every day and wonder how long it would be. Later I could see God’s provision and goodness even in those little things. Had I not been completely ready and set for another baby, there’s no way I could have gone to Florida the week before adopting our new baby. But as it was, I was ready. The room was ready, the baby clothes were washed, the car seat was in the car, the diapers were bought. Because I had prepared in July, I was able to go on our vacation stress free and know that I could handle getting our new baby 2 days after getting home. God cares about those things that may seem small. He sees to the littlest details and I have seen that over and over through our adoption journeys.
Adoption Day! A had her baby on October 25, 2006. We arranged to pick him up at the hospital on Friday, October 27. So on Friday, we drove to Kilgore, TX. This was a new experience for us…adopting a 2-day old baby straight from the hospital. (Sam was 6 weeks old at placement.) Placement day brings a mixture of so many feelings. We were nervous. Even though this was our 2nd time at this, it was new in many ways. It was at the hospital. We had not yet met A and still weren’t sure if we would. We didn’t know what to expect in terms of her and B and T’s feelings. Were they still sure about this? Were they going to change their minds? And of course, what would our new baby be like?
When we arrived, Carol and Doris met us and took us to a room where the placement would take place. At that point, A was in the process of making her decision to sign the papers which remove her parental rights. This was a heart-wrenching decision for her. Most birthmothers have to make this choice twice. They make the choice before the baby is born, when they choose a family. But then they have to make the choice again once the baby is born. It’s much harder that second time. They have been through hours of labor and here is this tiny baby that they are saying good-bye to. The birthmother’s body still bears the scars of childbirth, but there is no child to help ease the pain. There’s no immediate reward. Just pain and empty arms. I have cried at both of our placements and for many months afterward thinking about and praying for G and A. How hard it must be to do what they did! How difficult to not have a baby to feed or hold after 9 months of labor!
So sitting there in that hospital knowing that A was just a few doors down, making one of the hardest decisions of her life, was incredibly emotional and heavy for us. It’s so weird to hope that she will go through with the decision, knowing the pain it will cause for her and her family; but also knowing that if she doesn’t go through with it, there will be pain and heartbreak for us and our family. Adoption is very messy. It is beautiful and full of God, but it’s not simple or tidy. There is lots of stuff to sort through and many miracles must take place every time adoption happens. It’s such a beautiful picture of the way God has adopted us. Our adoption as sons and daughters in God’s family is messy, too. It involves repentance and brokenness and usually some tears. But in the end, this way that God has provided through Jesus, this way back to him after things were messed up by sin, brings a perfect reconciliation of broken things in our lives and our relationship with him. Just as adoption is a perfect reconciliation of physical brokenness: a husband and wife who are broken because they can't conceive, and a child born without a whole family. It all comes together to create a new, whole, un-broken family. Two broken things made whole, for the glory of God. God adopting us – children who sinned and messed up his perfect original plan – is the ultimate reconciliation of what was broken in the Garden of Eden. It all comes full circle in some crazy, mysterious way.
After a while, Carol came back from meeting with A and was holding our new baby boy!! We were overjoyed. A had made the decision that was best for her baby and we were adding a son to our family. Praise God! We held him and looked at him and took lots of pictures. Sam was mesmerized by him and was so sweet and tender with his new baby brother. It was a wonderful, joyous time.
After being with the baby for about an hour, it became clear to us that A was still not ready to meet with us. We were disappointed because we really wanted the chance to know her. To hug her and thank her and love her. We still hope and pray for that chance. But A’s mom, T, did come to meet with us and say good-bye to her grandson. Her husband was with her, who we met for the 1st time. They both cried over Kamen, the name A gave him. Then we all stood in a circle: me, Ross, Sam, Carol, Doris, T and her friend, R, and our new little boy. We stood and prayed. We prayed for this precious new life and our family. We prayed for A and B and T and R and all the lives that this little boy had already touched and would touch in the future. God moved among us and after we prayed we took more pictures and said our final good-byes to them.
We started our 3 hour drive home and things were much more relaxed than that first time around with Sam. We even stopped at Wal-Mart to get him some sleepers as I had forgotten to bring him some clothes, and we stopped and had dinner at a restaurant with our 2-day old baby. I think he was the youngest person in the world to go out to eat! We decided to name him Jude Sullivan. Jude meaning Praise &Thanks and Sullivan after Ross’ middle name.
At the time that I am writing this, Sam is 4 years old and Jude will turn 1 in about 2 weeks. It goes by so fast, as I know most parents seem to feel. It feels like I blinked and we were bringing Sam home and I blinked again and I have 2 little boys. We are so happy that God has blessed us by building our family through adoption. We know that not everyone gets to experience the blessing of adoption and see the fruit that it bears in all the lives it touches. We know that some have to arrive at adoption after a painful process of infertility and that some come to it with open arms. In the end though, I think that those who are touched by adoption will agree that it is a miraculous and blessed thing to be a part of, one that changes you and opens your eyes; one that leaves you forever imprinted with the image of God and the whisper of his love in your life.
Our God is the God of miracles, and I am so blessed to be adopted into His eternal, victorious family!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Adoption Finalization
August 14, 2007…Jude Sullivan King’s adoption was finalized! We spent the morning in a family court in Tyler, TX. Family court is home to things that are usually hard and often heartbreaking, so we were most certainly the happiest thing that happened in there that day. The judge presiding was a very sweet woman who came down from the bench to bless Jude and let us take pictures with her. We legally changed his name and celebrated with our families afterward. Praise the Lord! We are so thankful for our precious son. He is a blessing in more ways than we could ever list.
But I’ll try…
He smiles all the time. He laughs all the time. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing or what he’s looking at, he is full of joy and life.
He is also always on the move. When awake, he truly never sits still. It’s like he has an electric current running through his body.
He goes for everything with passion. He throws caution to the wind. He wants to touch everything. He has to touch everything. To restrain him from touching is like torture to him. I think he learns through his fingers.
He loves us so much. He especially loves Sam. He laughs when he sees Sam. He follows him around the house. Sam’s room is the first place he crawls in the morning.
He sleeps so good and so hard. This is the only time he is still. He truly needs the good sleep to recuperate from all the movement during the day. He falls asleep in his bed happy and babbling to himself. He wakes up happy and babbling to himself. But he has to be lying down in a bed in a dark room to fall asleep. He cannot fall asleep anywhere but a bed. This is good and bad.
He loves to eat. No picky eater here. He likes everything I feed him. It’s really a dream. I have given him so many foods and he likes all of them. He can eat a lot. He has to eat a lot to keep his energy up for all that moving.
He only cries for a very few reasons. He cries if he is really hungry. But he has to be really hungry. He cries if he is very tired and there is no bed to fall asleep in. He cries when I make him be still or restrained. Occasionally he cries when I leave him in the nursery, but only if he’s really tired. That’s it. Otherwise, he’s happy.
Joyful Jude. He is a treasure.
But I’ll try…
He smiles all the time. He laughs all the time. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing or what he’s looking at, he is full of joy and life.
He is also always on the move. When awake, he truly never sits still. It’s like he has an electric current running through his body.
He goes for everything with passion. He throws caution to the wind. He wants to touch everything. He has to touch everything. To restrain him from touching is like torture to him. I think he learns through his fingers.
He loves us so much. He especially loves Sam. He laughs when he sees Sam. He follows him around the house. Sam’s room is the first place he crawls in the morning.
He sleeps so good and so hard. This is the only time he is still. He truly needs the good sleep to recuperate from all the movement during the day. He falls asleep in his bed happy and babbling to himself. He wakes up happy and babbling to himself. But he has to be lying down in a bed in a dark room to fall asleep. He cannot fall asleep anywhere but a bed. This is good and bad.
He loves to eat. No picky eater here. He likes everything I feed him. It’s really a dream. I have given him so many foods and he likes all of them. He can eat a lot. He has to eat a lot to keep his energy up for all that moving.
He only cries for a very few reasons. He cries if he is really hungry. But he has to be really hungry. He cries if he is very tired and there is no bed to fall asleep in. He cries when I make him be still or restrained. Occasionally he cries when I leave him in the nursery, but only if he’s really tired. That’s it. Otherwise, he’s happy.
Joyful Jude. He is a treasure.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Adoption Questions
Do you have a question about adoption?
Is there something you've always wondered about?
Are you interested in adoption, but don't know where to start?
Do you want to hear more about our adoption stories?
Please ask me. I would love to hear your questions. I can't promise that I can answer it, but I will try or point you in the right direction.
Thanks!
Is there something you've always wondered about?
Are you interested in adoption, but don't know where to start?
Do you want to hear more about our adoption stories?
Please ask me. I would love to hear your questions. I can't promise that I can answer it, but I will try or point you in the right direction.
Thanks!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Under Construction
I am working on my adoption miracles stories about Sam & Jude. Our adoption agency is making a book about all the adoptions they have helped facilitate. I am going to share our stories here as well as offer information and advice about our experiences with the adoption process. I've just got to make some time to write!
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